Sacred Life Sundays :: Life in every breath

Tuesday night, on the way back from my ceramics class, it was very dark, and raining really heavily. I mean, it was chucking it down. So I was walking down my street quickly, hood pulled up over my head and tightened so that only my eyes were visible. Suddenly as I was walking, I smelled a sweet scent in the air, which went as quickly as it came. I backed up a bit until I smelt it again, and realised it was coming from this bush. I was sure it was all just twigs, but upon closer inspection, I saw that some small cherry blossom buds were ready to bloom, with a few ready opened ones sprinkled about. And you know what, this really made my day! It was just unexpected, and made me so happy to think that soon all the spring blossoms would bloom. You see, I have a little soft spot for these tiny blossoms.

One of my favourite memories of when I was younger was when it was springtime, and me and my brother and friends would be playing in the small field behind our big block of flats. There was this huge cherry blossom tree, bigger than any I've seen since (or this could be a 6yr olds perception, lol). I would climb this tree, as I was the only one who could and I loved to climb trees, and sit on the branches and shake them so that all the delicate pastel pink petals would fall like snow, the others looking up and and twirling around while it all fell around them. It felt really magical, up high in the air surrounded by clusters of blushing blossoms smelling sweetly, while making springtime snow for my friends to play in. Childhood memories eh?! Good times.

One of my favourite films, The Last Samurai, uses cherry blossom for symbolic imagery. The film plays on the themes of honour, the delicacy of life, and Bushido. Bushido is literally translated as 'The Way of the Warrior', and was a code of conduct for Japan's Samurai warrior caste. The samurai moral code and stressed frugality, loyalty, martial arts mastery, and honour until death. The life of a samurai was short lived and brutal. Their lives were chiefly concerned with death, and most importantly a death held with dignity. The cherry blossom became a symbol of the samurai - beauty in death. The samurai's life of honour, duty, respect and courage was as delicate as a cherry blossom, and ended as quickly as the blossoms short few weeks display in the crisp springtime. When one of the main characters, a samurai, lies dying on the battlefield in the arms of his friend, asking him help him end his life, the last image he sees is the fragile blossom petals falling from the tree in the gentle breeze, mirroring his own life being swept away in the wind.

My favourite line from this film comes from when the samurai tells his rival and soon-to-be ally about the ways of his people. Pointing to a blossom tree in the courtyard they stand, he says to him "Life in every breath. That is the way of the samurai."

What a beautiful line. And a powerful lesson for all of us. Even though at times we may feel insignificant, and as if our life is too short and pointless, remember what the cherry blossom teaches: That life, although delicate and swift, is to be treasured and celibrated in it's bittersweetness. So every time I pass a cherry blossom tree, as small voice inside my head reminds me . . .

Life in every breath.

Top image is my own, bottom image courtesy of GettyImages.

Struggling with the Warrior Goddess

This is a post that has been festering in my mind for quite a while now, but I have been putting it off. The main reason for this is because I still have no definitive answer or conclusion for it, and I find that difficult. The reason why I'm posting it now is because of a dream I had last night, which has brung these thoughts to the fore. Anyway, I shall try my best to articulate what I'm trying to say for you. I'm afraid that it is intricately tied in with some life story, so sorry if it's going to bore you!

There is a large part of me that identifies with the 'warrior aspect'. Ever since I was little, you'd be more likely to find me scrapping with the boys and climbing trees than playing pretend tea parties or nurse. In my secondary school years, it continued. I had a few fights (actual fist fights mind you, always with boys), played sport as good as any of them, refused to be treated as the damsel in distress. Back in my teens, I identfied with Artemis - wild, independent, tomboyish and untouchable. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, this was challenged.

I ended up joining the army when I finished school under the encouragement of my mum. I had just turned 16, and was off to a military base for 6 months to complete training as a trainee soldier before joining permanently for 5yrs if I passed. The corporals and higher ranked all had high hopes for me, and I thought I was up to the challenge. How wrong I was. I hated the discipline, the mindless orders and institutionalised bullying and homesickness. But, I didn't want to let my family down, or be thought of as weak. But I was weak - the rest of the trainees considered me the wimp. I ended up in the military hospital with an injury for a month, two months into training, and it turned out to be a blessing. The solitude gave me the opportunity to consider what it was I was actually getting into. I had mindlessly joined because I wanted praise and respect, to be feared a little even. How juvenile. I left as soon as I was well. Unfortunately, my return was not welcomed by my parents. My mother thought I was throwing my life away. Without going into too much detail, the next few years were very hard. It still is, though not as much. I came back from the army a very hurt person, which had more to do with the time after it than during it.

I went to college and tried to get on with life. My experience though had changed me somewhat. I now considered myself weaker, of less worth. So during my college years people only saw a shy, friendly, quiet girl. This continued until one day when I got into my biggest fight to date. At college with some friends, a group of young men came over and tried to take something from us. I took it from my friend, told them they couldn't have it, and the main guy pushed me really hard, I almost fell over. That was all I needed - I kicked off. I started fighting with this guy, had him up against the fence, hit him to the floor, shouting, everything. He tried to punch me back, but he kept on missing (thankfully). His friends tried to then hit me with their belts, but it didn't deter me. Thankfully, someone from my class got his bike chain and scared them all off before I got well in over my head. Once they had left, I couldn't calm down for hours. None of my friends had tried to help me fight them off (considering they were tough, large guys, I was slightly disapproving!). They told me they had just been in shock. I was the reserved little goody-goody up til that point. That soon changed, for good or ill.

Thankfully, since then I haven't had any more actual fights. That was 4 years ago now. Whenever I meet new people, I'm always conscientous, quiet, helpful, nice etc. It isn't a front, I'm actually like that. But then little things will set me off, like a drunk at the pub, or a yob in the street, and they see a new side to me. Nowadays though I have so much more patience, and my anger now never really rises.

The problem for me now is swinging between being a doormat, and being too aggressive. And internally I really struggle with this. I'm much happier with who I am now - I'm more thoughtful, sensitive, allow myself to be more vulnerable, and much more peaceful. But when I hear people regard me as someone really nice, who wouldn't hurt a fly, I hate it. I feel like a pushover, underestimated. When I'm with my older friends, who know about what I have been like before, they talk about how no one should mess with me or that I'm tough, I really like it - I feel empowered. But amongst all this, I feel disgusted with myself for feeling good about it. What kind of a person feels good about fighting?

These feelings all come into play when I consider a matron Goddess. As I've said before, in the past I've identified with Artemis. But in recent years I wanted to connect to a Goddess of my own celtic heritage. Eventually, Morrigan found her way into my life. The raven is one of my totem animals, and led me to her. A lot of her aspects resonate with me. Shapeshifting: I work a lot with animal totems, and do a lot of it in my dreams. War: From this post, you can guess! Death: Something that always fascinates me (not in a morbid way), because only with death can new life and change happen. But I think to myself "Is this a Goddess that I should be working with? A Goddess of war? Is that really something that is good for me?" Yet, I don't really feel anything when looking at the other Goddesses - I respect them, appreciate them, but I can't connect with them.

So recently I have pulled away from the Goddess. I feel frustrated and confused. I don't want to be violent or aggressive, but I don't want to be underestimated or weak either. Sometimes I just get the urge to start a fight! How terrible! Part of me really craves the thrill of 'battle', but the rest of me thinks how barbaric. But also, I can be quite a pushover now. I'm overly emotional and doubtful a lot of the time.

As I said, it's been a long time now since I've kicked off. Last night though, in my dream, I was back in secondary school with my two friends (who seriously wouldn't hurt a fly!), when a whole bunch of pupils tried to beat them up. I dealt with them all effortlessly, and protected my friends. But I didn't have a kind of 'battle rage', it was more of an unshakeable conviction that they wouldn't get by me. And it felt great - I felt like the 'real' me, if that makes any sense.

I don't know. I really have rambled here, and not made a lot of sense. I just wanted to vent my frustration, and get some feedback. I just can't seem to move beyond this paradox. Do I embrace the warrior Goddess, or do I reject her?