I am . . .

WARNING: Long, rambly post. Continue at own risk!

I was hoping to have a rather different post for you all, one where I had possibly come to some kind of revelation or epiphany. But it seems (for the present at least) that I don't. I should start from the beginning really.

As you could guess from my last post, I was receiving some rather coincidental signs in my daily life. The thing is, since I read on someone's blog somewhere a little while back about Your True Name. It's about writing an invocation, a powerful declaration and reminder about who you truly are and represent. It's been constantly reeling in my mind, like it would be really beneficial for me to do something like this. But, as what usually happens, I ignored this nagging voice and continued with my life. Just about a week ago, I started getting the nagging again about this, and tried to ignore it. Then, the signs started coming along, lol. Firstly, I stumbled upon that page again through another website. Then, in a new book I got, the section about self knowledge and identity leaped right at me. Then, as I was in the car with my boyfriend and we drove past the local church, it said in huge letters on it's billboard "I AM". Then, the thing that tipped me off to write my last little hysterical post was when I went onto the Inspire Me Thursday website for my weekly inspiration, and the theme was called "I am". I mean, c'mon! And to top it all off after that, when I went into work at the school the next monday and logged onto the school diary, at the very top, in bold red capitals, the word of the week (a theme that we contemplate on for that school week) was IDENTITY, slapping me across the face like a cold wet fish. SERIOUSLY! I was in absolute stitches. Could I get anymore of a hint!? As I have said, semetimes the universe just has to make it blatant for me, otherwise I have a tendency to dismiss these things.

To help me even further, the universe made my boyfriend disappear for almost an entire week going fishing with his mates, just so I could have the opportunity to contemplate and ponder alone in my room, otherwise if he was there I wouldn't focus on it like I should've. Coincidental timing for him to go away don't you think? Lol.

The important thing is, what did I do with these messages and given time? Well, nothing really. Which is the saddest thing about it. Last weekend after the post, I tried to brainstorm and start a few lines of this invocation, but found I couldn't get into it. Then, I went for a contemplative trip to the local country park, hoping to still my mind enough for whatever it is I had to realise to surface, and ended up taking pictures instead of achieving anything. Then, throughout the week whenever I returned home from work, I was always too tired (genuinely), or just had to read something, or look up stuff online. Looking back on my past week, everything was there for me, except for my own effort. Bugger.

So yesterday, I had the day to myself again. I spent ages tidying up, playing my music while I did as I usually do. I was feeling quite despondent, resenting tidying up taking up my free time and resenting that even if I did have my own time I would waste it. There had been sporadic showers throughout the day that I watched every now and then though my window in between cleaning. Just as I finished the last bit of tidying, I heard tapping on the window and looked outside to see hail falling from the sky. I stood at my window, holding it wide open, and put half my body out there to be in this little hailstorm. It was so invigorating. And as it died down, the sky started to reveal gorgeous rose-gold colours breaking through indigo stained clouds. The air was so fresh, and truly smelled of springtime. It felt like I was renewed with the world after the hailstorm. I leaned on the windowsill and smiled to myself for a while. You see, hail was something important I had to put in my name invocation. Hail is connected to the rune Hagalaz, which is special to me. I won't go too deep into why. Basically, Hagalaz is the rune of destruction, transformation and storms. Hagalaz always reminds me that even destruction has its place in the world. Hail and storms destroy crops, causing famine and hardship, but then also melts into life-sustaining water, bringing new life and change to times of destruction. It made me smile as if it was a tiny affirmation of what little I had already done concerning my poem. Also, the hail storm brought one of the lessons of hagalaz to mind for me - that of breaking destructive habits, something that I had been a prisoner to during recent times.

So, that night, I sat in the dark with my candle lit (Earth Hour yesterday dontcha know ;D), thinking about how I could learn from the lesson of Hagalaz and understand what had gone so wrong for me this last week despite all the messages I had received to encourage me. I came to this conclusion - I simply was afraid to face myself. Actually, this was quite a hard conclusion for me to come to. I always enjoy spending time lone, even crave it, often spending whole days content in solitude. This had led me to believe that I was content with myself, that I knew myself. Yesterday I realised - I may not be afraid to be with myself, but I was afraid to be within myself, if that makes any sense! I just could not face sitting down with myself and looking too deeply within about who I really am. I found every excuse to avoid doing this invocation thing during the week. Hagalaz wants me to challenge this. This is the bad habit I need to break - avoiding confronting myself.

As I said, I was hoping to have a different post for you. I wanted to post my finished invocation on here. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to bring myself to do it and actually face myself in doing it. But I'm damn well gonna try! Hopefully, I'll have it for you in my next post. It all depends on how much I have learnt, lol. See you all soon.

Struggling with the Warrior Goddess

This is a post that has been festering in my mind for quite a while now, but I have been putting it off. The main reason for this is because I still have no definitive answer or conclusion for it, and I find that difficult. The reason why I'm posting it now is because of a dream I had last night, which has brung these thoughts to the fore. Anyway, I shall try my best to articulate what I'm trying to say for you. I'm afraid that it is intricately tied in with some life story, so sorry if it's going to bore you!

There is a large part of me that identifies with the 'warrior aspect'. Ever since I was little, you'd be more likely to find me scrapping with the boys and climbing trees than playing pretend tea parties or nurse. In my secondary school years, it continued. I had a few fights (actual fist fights mind you, always with boys), played sport as good as any of them, refused to be treated as the damsel in distress. Back in my teens, I identfied with Artemis - wild, independent, tomboyish and untouchable. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, this was challenged.

I ended up joining the army when I finished school under the encouragement of my mum. I had just turned 16, and was off to a military base for 6 months to complete training as a trainee soldier before joining permanently for 5yrs if I passed. The corporals and higher ranked all had high hopes for me, and I thought I was up to the challenge. How wrong I was. I hated the discipline, the mindless orders and institutionalised bullying and homesickness. But, I didn't want to let my family down, or be thought of as weak. But I was weak - the rest of the trainees considered me the wimp. I ended up in the military hospital with an injury for a month, two months into training, and it turned out to be a blessing. The solitude gave me the opportunity to consider what it was I was actually getting into. I had mindlessly joined because I wanted praise and respect, to be feared a little even. How juvenile. I left as soon as I was well. Unfortunately, my return was not welcomed by my parents. My mother thought I was throwing my life away. Without going into too much detail, the next few years were very hard. It still is, though not as much. I came back from the army a very hurt person, which had more to do with the time after it than during it.

I went to college and tried to get on with life. My experience though had changed me somewhat. I now considered myself weaker, of less worth. So during my college years people only saw a shy, friendly, quiet girl. This continued until one day when I got into my biggest fight to date. At college with some friends, a group of young men came over and tried to take something from us. I took it from my friend, told them they couldn't have it, and the main guy pushed me really hard, I almost fell over. That was all I needed - I kicked off. I started fighting with this guy, had him up against the fence, hit him to the floor, shouting, everything. He tried to punch me back, but he kept on missing (thankfully). His friends tried to then hit me with their belts, but it didn't deter me. Thankfully, someone from my class got his bike chain and scared them all off before I got well in over my head. Once they had left, I couldn't calm down for hours. None of my friends had tried to help me fight them off (considering they were tough, large guys, I was slightly disapproving!). They told me they had just been in shock. I was the reserved little goody-goody up til that point. That soon changed, for good or ill.

Thankfully, since then I haven't had any more actual fights. That was 4 years ago now. Whenever I meet new people, I'm always conscientous, quiet, helpful, nice etc. It isn't a front, I'm actually like that. But then little things will set me off, like a drunk at the pub, or a yob in the street, and they see a new side to me. Nowadays though I have so much more patience, and my anger now never really rises.

The problem for me now is swinging between being a doormat, and being too aggressive. And internally I really struggle with this. I'm much happier with who I am now - I'm more thoughtful, sensitive, allow myself to be more vulnerable, and much more peaceful. But when I hear people regard me as someone really nice, who wouldn't hurt a fly, I hate it. I feel like a pushover, underestimated. When I'm with my older friends, who know about what I have been like before, they talk about how no one should mess with me or that I'm tough, I really like it - I feel empowered. But amongst all this, I feel disgusted with myself for feeling good about it. What kind of a person feels good about fighting?

These feelings all come into play when I consider a matron Goddess. As I've said before, in the past I've identified with Artemis. But in recent years I wanted to connect to a Goddess of my own celtic heritage. Eventually, Morrigan found her way into my life. The raven is one of my totem animals, and led me to her. A lot of her aspects resonate with me. Shapeshifting: I work a lot with animal totems, and do a lot of it in my dreams. War: From this post, you can guess! Death: Something that always fascinates me (not in a morbid way), because only with death can new life and change happen. But I think to myself "Is this a Goddess that I should be working with? A Goddess of war? Is that really something that is good for me?" Yet, I don't really feel anything when looking at the other Goddesses - I respect them, appreciate them, but I can't connect with them.

So recently I have pulled away from the Goddess. I feel frustrated and confused. I don't want to be violent or aggressive, but I don't want to be underestimated or weak either. Sometimes I just get the urge to start a fight! How terrible! Part of me really craves the thrill of 'battle', but the rest of me thinks how barbaric. But also, I can be quite a pushover now. I'm overly emotional and doubtful a lot of the time.

As I said, it's been a long time now since I've kicked off. Last night though, in my dream, I was back in secondary school with my two friends (who seriously wouldn't hurt a fly!), when a whole bunch of pupils tried to beat them up. I dealt with them all effortlessly, and protected my friends. But I didn't have a kind of 'battle rage', it was more of an unshakeable conviction that they wouldn't get by me. And it felt great - I felt like the 'real' me, if that makes any sense.

I don't know. I really have rambled here, and not made a lot of sense. I just wanted to vent my frustration, and get some feedback. I just can't seem to move beyond this paradox. Do I embrace the warrior Goddess, or do I reject her?

The Power of (Craft) Names

I recently came across a post on The Wild Hunt's blog - The Witch Gambit Didn’t Work (This Time). The main thing that sparked my interest was the debate that was sparked regarding the name of the woman talked about in the post. Many spoke about how her chosen craft name didn't help her credibility, with Peg Aloi summing it up well by saying that often people who have these Native-American style alter-ego names have problems being taken seriously by those both inside and outside the the pagan community. Many more have stated that craft names are losing their importance and relevance nowadays. Where in the past people used craft names to protect their identities, there is now less of a need for secrecy due to the wider spread of paganism (but, this does not mean that pagans do not get persecuted for their beliefs in present times, because they do). It seems now, within the pagan community, there is a scepticism towards the use of craft names.

Now I agree that a name like Vanilla-Clove Moonstone sounds rather silly. Names like these only serve as ammunition for ridicule by the public, regardless of the sincerity of the person whose name it is. If we are to be taken seriously by society, we have to accept that the more strange and different we make ourselves to be, the more we will continue to be marginalised. I'm not saying that we abandon any attempt at individuality, but we must realise that there is time and place for this. Some people are still just too closed to change and difference, and we won't get understanding from them by making the rift between us and them wider. I also agree that there is some less need for secrecy. But, I would like to disagree that the use of craft names is now redundant.

When you adopt a craft name during initiation, or when you commit yourself to your spiritual tradition, you are experessing a wish to start a new life and indentity. Your new name, through it's meaning and energy, helps to shape your 'spiritual personality' and also the things that are important to you on your life's journey.

One of my favourite books on pagan ethics is 'A Witch's 10 Commandments' by Marian Singer. It does a good job of trying to find underlying and unifying ethics and beliefs among the pagan community - which is in nature varied and multi-faceted, and therefore a difficult task! In this book, there is a chapter called 'Spirit Abides in all things. Names and Words have Power', where it says . . .

"If you have a word for it, you can think about it, and if you think about it you can begin to manifest it at least on a personal level."

Once you name something, it gives it form and expression in the world. The Egyptian god Ptah made all things by uttering them into creation. Sounds and mantras used in meditation summon certain energies and vibrations. To name something is to give it power. A craft name provides a boundary, a definition within which you can begin to build the characteristics you wish, as well as help build a connection between you and the deities you honour.