I am . . .

WARNING: Long, rambly post. Continue at own risk!

I was hoping to have a rather different post for you all, one where I had possibly come to some kind of revelation or epiphany. But it seems (for the present at least) that I don't. I should start from the beginning really.

As you could guess from my last post, I was receiving some rather coincidental signs in my daily life. The thing is, since I read on someone's blog somewhere a little while back about Your True Name. It's about writing an invocation, a powerful declaration and reminder about who you truly are and represent. It's been constantly reeling in my mind, like it would be really beneficial for me to do something like this. But, as what usually happens, I ignored this nagging voice and continued with my life. Just about a week ago, I started getting the nagging again about this, and tried to ignore it. Then, the signs started coming along, lol. Firstly, I stumbled upon that page again through another website. Then, in a new book I got, the section about self knowledge and identity leaped right at me. Then, as I was in the car with my boyfriend and we drove past the local church, it said in huge letters on it's billboard "I AM". Then, the thing that tipped me off to write my last little hysterical post was when I went onto the Inspire Me Thursday website for my weekly inspiration, and the theme was called "I am". I mean, c'mon! And to top it all off after that, when I went into work at the school the next monday and logged onto the school diary, at the very top, in bold red capitals, the word of the week (a theme that we contemplate on for that school week) was IDENTITY, slapping me across the face like a cold wet fish. SERIOUSLY! I was in absolute stitches. Could I get anymore of a hint!? As I have said, semetimes the universe just has to make it blatant for me, otherwise I have a tendency to dismiss these things.

To help me even further, the universe made my boyfriend disappear for almost an entire week going fishing with his mates, just so I could have the opportunity to contemplate and ponder alone in my room, otherwise if he was there I wouldn't focus on it like I should've. Coincidental timing for him to go away don't you think? Lol.

The important thing is, what did I do with these messages and given time? Well, nothing really. Which is the saddest thing about it. Last weekend after the post, I tried to brainstorm and start a few lines of this invocation, but found I couldn't get into it. Then, I went for a contemplative trip to the local country park, hoping to still my mind enough for whatever it is I had to realise to surface, and ended up taking pictures instead of achieving anything. Then, throughout the week whenever I returned home from work, I was always too tired (genuinely), or just had to read something, or look up stuff online. Looking back on my past week, everything was there for me, except for my own effort. Bugger.

So yesterday, I had the day to myself again. I spent ages tidying up, playing my music while I did as I usually do. I was feeling quite despondent, resenting tidying up taking up my free time and resenting that even if I did have my own time I would waste it. There had been sporadic showers throughout the day that I watched every now and then though my window in between cleaning. Just as I finished the last bit of tidying, I heard tapping on the window and looked outside to see hail falling from the sky. I stood at my window, holding it wide open, and put half my body out there to be in this little hailstorm. It was so invigorating. And as it died down, the sky started to reveal gorgeous rose-gold colours breaking through indigo stained clouds. The air was so fresh, and truly smelled of springtime. It felt like I was renewed with the world after the hailstorm. I leaned on the windowsill and smiled to myself for a while. You see, hail was something important I had to put in my name invocation. Hail is connected to the rune Hagalaz, which is special to me. I won't go too deep into why. Basically, Hagalaz is the rune of destruction, transformation and storms. Hagalaz always reminds me that even destruction has its place in the world. Hail and storms destroy crops, causing famine and hardship, but then also melts into life-sustaining water, bringing new life and change to times of destruction. It made me smile as if it was a tiny affirmation of what little I had already done concerning my poem. Also, the hail storm brought one of the lessons of hagalaz to mind for me - that of breaking destructive habits, something that I had been a prisoner to during recent times.

So, that night, I sat in the dark with my candle lit (Earth Hour yesterday dontcha know ;D), thinking about how I could learn from the lesson of Hagalaz and understand what had gone so wrong for me this last week despite all the messages I had received to encourage me. I came to this conclusion - I simply was afraid to face myself. Actually, this was quite a hard conclusion for me to come to. I always enjoy spending time lone, even crave it, often spending whole days content in solitude. This had led me to believe that I was content with myself, that I knew myself. Yesterday I realised - I may not be afraid to be with myself, but I was afraid to be within myself, if that makes any sense! I just could not face sitting down with myself and looking too deeply within about who I really am. I found every excuse to avoid doing this invocation thing during the week. Hagalaz wants me to challenge this. This is the bad habit I need to break - avoiding confronting myself.

As I said, I was hoping to have a different post for you. I wanted to post my finished invocation on here. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to bring myself to do it and actually face myself in doing it. But I'm damn well gonna try! Hopefully, I'll have it for you in my next post. It all depends on how much I have learnt, lol. See you all soon.